The True Story of Easter.

My friend and co-worker Spiro is from Greece and was raised by Grecian Atheists. As a child, Easter was a time for candy and holiday parties, but it always lacked any religious sentiments for Spiro.

So it was that Spiro approached me this morning to ask me about the Christian story behind Easter.

This is what I told him…

You know that Jesus Christ, the Son of God, was born at Christmas time, right?
Well, Easter is the holiday that we created to remember that this was when he was killed for our sins and was eventually resurrected from the Dead. And we celebrate the way that we do, in order to never forget the terrible events that ensued, after he returned.

You might know that Christ was crucified for heresy by the Romans. They HATED Jesus. He was taken to a tall hill in Galilee in the Middle East, right outside of Jerusalem. He was savagely beaten by the Romans for days, to get him to renounce his Father, the Lord. But he never would, so the contrived to kill him.

They made him carry his cross through town with the other criminals, while people threw rocks at him and screamed obscenities at him and even peed on him from the rooftops of the town. On the Hill of Gethsemene, just outside of Jerusalem, the Roman guards forced Jesus to erect his own cross, knowing full well that he was going to be killed on it, the very next day. This was common punishment in Roman times, reserved for the most heinous of criminals. Because he was also the son of a carpenter, Jesus’ cross was better constructed than the other criminals crosses. Heavier and more solid than any of the other crosses on that hill, his was also lodged firmly in the Earth and looked pretty sturdy. He also finished it a half day before the other criminals. He had a good work ethic.

The Romans made Jesus build them some ladders too and then they made him fashion a crown of thorns and etch out a very attractive sign that said, “Here hangs Jesus Christ, King of the Jews.” When he finished those things, the Romans used HIS ladders and hoisted him up on the cross. Then, they used nails (which he’d straightened for them) and nailed him to the cross, piercing his hands and feet. They had to use some extra nails on his feet, because a single nail wouldn’t hold a whole, human body. The point is, it hurt, a lot. As a final injury, they placed the very nice, extra sharp crown of thorns on his head and left it there. Then, the Romans stood around, waiting for Jesus to die. No food. No water. He was to be tortured by the hot, desert sun and then would starve to death.

People from Jerusalem came up on the hill for several days, to yell at Jesus and throw stuff at him. He prayed that they might throw him some food or a hammer to pry the nails out of his hands, but they never did. Just rocks and sticks and rats and snakes and stuff. And rabbits. Rabbits were cheaper in those days, so the Romans threw angry rabbits at Jesus. Which made Jesus pretty miserable. Turns out he had a big rabbit-phobia.

After three or four days of hanging Jesus out, the Roman got bored with the whole affair and tried to do Jesus in quickly, while no one was looking. They jabbed him in the gut a few times with a spear, but that only made him really, really sick. If you know anything from Westerns, you know that belly injuries are a slow way to die. Also, it woke Jesus up from the hallucinations that he was having and he swore at them until his voice went hoarse.

Two days after that, the Romans waited until everyone went to bed and up-ended Jesus’ cross, crushing him under it’s weight. I bet, as he was falling down, he thought, “I should’ve used a lighter wood to build this thing.” And then he died. For our sins. It was a terrible death.

It was Roman custom to bury the dead in caves and then to seal the caves up with gigantic boulders, to keep people from sneaking in and messing around with the dead bodies. (They had a lot of wierd kinks back then.) They hadn’t invented the shovel yet, so burials were out of the question. The Romans laid Jesus inside of his cave and then it took 8 or 9 of them to roll the perfectly round boulder into place, sealing him up forever.

Or so they thought…

For it was that two days after that, Christ was resurrected from the grave. He was an Undead. Like a zombie, but the fast ones from the new “Dawn of the Dead” movie. The day he resurrected, he announced his return by rolling the perfectly round boulder down the Hill and into town where it smashed into a Roman senior citizen's home, killing all the Romans inside. (But miraculously sparing the Jewish residents.) After that, the nightmare of Zombie Jesus began.

Jesus visited his Apostles first. He caught most of them camping outside of town and by killing them and biting their necks, he raised them from the dead, to join in his unholy campaign. John, Paul, Luke, Ringo. They were all there. And they thirsted for Roman blood.

The Hell-postles would strike at night and attack the Romans inside their homes. In one terrible night, they killed only the first born sons of the town, just to mess with their heads. Another time, they turned into locusts and really made a mess of town, getting locust and locust guts into everything.

The Roman Pharaoh knew who was causing all the trouble. It was that cursed Zombie Jesus and his 11 Hell-Postles. He was told that by Jesus's former sidekick, Judas Iscariot, who originally turned Jesus in at The Last Supper. Judas had always had a bit of a gay crush on Jesus, but Jesus had a thing for whores and wouldn’t “lay” with Judas. The last thing Judas did before sending in the Roman guards was to make out with Jesus. Which made The Last Supper really awkward for everyone there. Jesus was super pissed about that.

Anyways, the Roman Pharaoh said, “Surely somebody must stop this Zombie Jesus! I will assemble a League of my most powerful soldiers and people to fight Jesus and save us from his Unholy Wrath! Who will rise to defend Jerusalem?!?” So he sent out messengers to assemble the most powerful Romans in the land.

There was Samson, who had Super Strength, but always sort of fussed about his hair. He could also fly, but was deathly allergic to the rare mineral Samsonite!

And David, who could hit anything with his slingshot. His parents were killed by a guy with weak ankles, so David swore on their grave that he would avenge their death by fighting crime and protecting Jerusalem. After that, he became a dead-eye with the slingshot and would go around shooting people in the ankles, when he fought them.

There was also John The Baptist, who spent a lot of time in the water and could talk to fish, using his mental powers!

There was also Moses, who was their team mage. He looked and sounded a lot like Gandalf the Grey and went around setting people’s bushes on fire. I mean, of course, their pubic hair and in those days, that fire could burn for a day or so. Everyone really hated Moses.

Rounding out the team was their Master of Disguises, Joseph and his Amazing Technicolor Collection of Costumes. No one knew what he really looked like. Every time he showed up for meetings, he was always wearing a different costume!

There weren’t any girls on the Jerusalem League. Because it was predominantly a male-oriented society in those days. Just like modern Afghanistan. One girl, Rebekkah, hung around the team, but mainly made snacks for them and cleaned up after their meetings. She was more like an intern, than an actual member.

The Jerusalem League began a long and terrible war against Zombie Jesus and his Hell-Postles. There are LITERALLY tons of stories of the times that they fought. Too many to retell, actually.

One time Jesus was disguised as a stage magician and he turned a single fish into many fish, to feed the audience, but it turned out they were poisonous and only John the Baptist could stop Jesus, by using his mind powers to summon a great, white whale to send a wave into town, washing the poisonous fish away. Before it left, the whale ate a guy, but nobody really knew who he was, so it was cool.

One other time, Jesus and his Hell-Postles showed up at a temple and started tearing the place up. Smashing people’s stuff and cussing them out. Samson stopped them, by bringing the temple crashing down around them. He managed to kill a few of the Hell-Postles in the fight, Ringo, George and John, but Paul got away. So did Jesus. Samson had a heart attack and died in the battle.

Eventually, the Jerusalem League got a tip off from these three passing kings that Jesus and his gang were hiding out in a manger, outside of town. They showed up on a Friday and a major fight happened. Angels and Devils came out for the fight and there were casualties on both sides.
David had his hands cut off, so he had to slingshot with his feet and his teeth.
Moses threw tablets at people until his arms nearly fell off.
John the Baptist had his head cut off.
But eventually, they were able to kill Zombie Jesus, when they held him out in the open, until the suns rays hit him and he burst into flames! ”I’ll beeeeeee baaaaaack!” he screamed and then he turned into a salt statue of himself, which promptly exploded. Thereafter, people in Jerusalem celebrate the “Good Friday” when Zombie Jesus was finally defeated.

All the Hell Postles were dead. All the Jerusalem League were dead, except for Moses, who retired to a small port town and lived the rest of his life running a traveling zoo out of an ark, which was what you and I would call “a boat”.

A lot of our modern Easter rituals come from this dark and bloody time in Christian history. For example, we hide Easter eggs to remember how Roman women would hide their children out in the woods, when Zombie Jesus and his Hell-Postles would come riding into town. Until the 1920’s, it was little baby dolls that parents would hide from their children. But in the ‘20s, kids figured out that dolls were pretty dumb and the parents had to switch over to plastic eggs with pocket change in them.

Also, marshmallow Peeps come in sets of three rows of four, this symbolizes the 11 Hell-Postles and Zombie Jesus. As a lad, I was taught to eat “all of my Hell-Postles” and if possible to relish biting their heads off first, before I went back and devoured all of their carcasses.

And we eat chocolate rabbits, because Zombie Jesus was terrified of rabbits and by eating them, we absorb their power, strengthening our resistance to Zombie Jesus’ influence. We also visit the Easter Bunny at the Mall to promise him our virginity if he will protect us from Zombie Jesus, if only through puberty. That's why you see so many pictures of kids screaming and crying at Easter parties, if the Easter Bunny shows up. They're afraid he's there to collect his due, a little early!

Also, we dye Easter Eggs because white eggs are boring and it really spices them up, by dipping them into water with coloring in it. And because the Egg Council of America has a HUGE investment in Easter and really push eggs on people. Just another example of a big business sticking it’s profits into other people’s religious holidays. (Just like Valentines Day!)

As you can see, the Easter traditions make a lot of sense, if you know the history behind them. Some people say that "Early Christians co-opted these symbols of fertility that the Pagans used to celebrate the coming of spring and the rites of fertility, by stamping Jesus’ names all over the holiday", but I think that’s a buncha’ malarkey. I know the True Story of Easter. And now you do too!

Happy Easter, Spiro!

Happy Easter, everybody!